the clock is ticking but i can't quite feel the time!

its so fucking easy to erase it all, if you don't fucking like it! you don't even leave a trace of what you just thought...i mean can you believe it, what you are reading is being typed over what i just backspaced to start over just because i didn't like it or may be not because i did not like it but just like that, may be that wasn't what i wanted to share....and amazingly i don't even know if this also something that i would like to share or not ..........

and if you've read that before reading this, then i guess that is also part of what i want to share. I think that is not the most important thing i wish to share but it is just a part of the greater whole. 

I opened my blog after a really really long time and i found this sitting in my drafts, today as i read through the post i found nothing that i could connect with the moment gone. there is no reference to the events of that moment that triggered me to say all that i have said, and i guess, memories need reminders too. it must have had something to do with time and definitely not the clocks but most importantly it must have had something to do with what i wanted to do in the time that i was and is so inconsiderately spending.

as i sit in one of the old film studios in bangalore. while the sound of hammers striking nails into the wood rise like thunder on a monsoon evening, i choose to leave a gentle reminder for the future to remember this day when i look back. 

i feel like this is more like a reminder left in the past for the future, that is today for me to realise that i have had this feeling a long time ago, that time is finite and my time is running out ever so quickly than ever before! i guess, everything eventually falls in place. so will time!

Kalap. . .

Before i say anything about my experience of staying at kalap, i have to thank one person for making this trip happen for me. It’s me! Nobody can stop us from doing what we want to do, living our life the way we want to live apart from our own selves. I feel, hardest thing for us, is to believe in our own instincts over reasons!

I am going to share something with you that i had written sitting by the ganges, while i was riding in the mountains on my friend’s motorcycle, under the dim light of a glowing moon, next to a fireplace on a cold, i mean really cold winter night! It was after i returned from kalap and i was doing this only because i brought myself to kalap. I guess this is as close as i can get to calling it living! A life!

Today, I just feel that i was plain lucky to have made that trip, which was on offer for anyone who followed their instincts. There were enough reasons for me to stay where i was and see someone grabbing that opportunity and just wonder what it’d have been like had i been there. I guess there’s something special about each day of those 21 days i spent in kalap. But above all is what the experience does to you after, as a person. . .

After 20 sunrises and sunsets. . .

It’s been so many days now since i came back from kalap but everyday i wake up, its like the memory of that loved one which fondly returns with all the moments you’d shared together. Each day away from kalap, is a day closer to the next time i will be in kalap. It is definitely just a matter of time. And time, as i know spreads its wings and flies faster, when you’re living your life to its fullest.

So what is it about kalap that makes me want to go back?! I wonder, just as much as you might be wondering. I wonder if its the long ride in those small cramped up buses with the locals coming in all sizes? Or i wonder if its the ever changing scenes outside the window as you rise and rise up on to the mountains? Or was it the trek up to the village with that heavy bag that I was carrying? I wonder! Or was it the warmth of the people who welcomed you in the darkness of cold night i arrived?! Or was it the surprise that was in store for me when i woke up on the first morning? Was it the innocent conversations, the simple lifestyle, the wooden architecture, the cattle, the beautiful people, the snow fall, the mountains, the colours of the sunset, being witness to shooting stars on multiple occasions, the delicious cuisine, the freezing cold nights, the fireplace, the occasional bath, the solo wanderings into the hills?! I wonder! Or was it the singing and dancing late into the night?! Or was it the new dance i learned which teaches you to hold on to those around you?! Was it the experience of living in the clouds for the first time in my life?! Was it shooting pictures and feeling good about those frozen moments?! Was it the bonds that I made with the people in the village or was it the moving goodbye when I finally left the village?! Was it the peace and solitude i found in isolation from the rest of the world?!

I wonder and perhaps that’s the best i can do, wonder! The joy is probably not in knowing the reason that makes it memorable but in surrendering yourself to the inexplicable innate urge to be back again in the hills! In Kalap!

The time i spent in kalap not only rejuvenated me but has brought me back the things i loved about myself. What it is, is probably not what i want to share but i will tell you that i have rediscovered my lost self! But what kalap did to me is that, i am all set once again to lose myself and this time i know there’s mountain, a hill, a river, a beach, a bird,a tree, a motorcycle, a road, a friend, a stranger, the sun, the moon, a tiny corner in some part of the world where i can find myself! Lost, to be found!

 Kalap turned out to be like a wish i would’ve wished for, if i had not been there! The time after those 20 sunrises and sunsets, seem like that early morning dream you wake up to and in that wish to continue to live in that dream to see what happens next, you close your eyes! You only find fragments of the last dream but in the excitement of seeing something new becoming a part of those fragments of the old dream, you resist opening your eyes to the light of the day and continue to sleep! You’re not asleep but just sleeping!

But unlike a dream, when this journey ends, i know it was for real. Every step i took on those roads that came my way, everything i saw, everyone i met will be for real! It was my life! Like a dream! 

4 in the morning

it is dark and it is cold outside and the inside is no different. everyone is sleeping in the comfort of the blanket and i can hear them snoring accentuating the silence of the night, while the stray dogs are barking away to glory saying something loud and clear but i can't really be sure! i haven't had an opportunity to blog for a long time and i thought this was the right time.

if i were to start this blog without paying any attention to everything around me, i would have started by simply wishing you all a very happy new year. in that case i would have to define happiness in my perception for i wish only that happiness to all.... or may be not! happy new year, 'happy' defined in your own perception of its attainment.

its been a long time! in all this time that has passed into the past, i was busy resurrecting my sinking self! how did i do it that, if you wonder, i wondered as well!!! I wrote something long to explain how and then backspaced it all to begin again to type exactly what you're reading. in fact that is precisely what i did most of the time as i lived through those days,wondering and wandering all at the same time. I WAS LOST, to say the least and FOUND, for the best!

Now, half an hour into the blog, crows have joined the party, the stray dogs somehow seem to have slipped into a peaceful sleep inspite of the kaw kawing crows dominating the silent night....

i have changed a bit in all this time. i no longer like the long prose i used to write for it seems to lack the depth. i haven't written much in a long time! i no longer like what i write when imagination fails to take over leaving reality far behind. its in the reality that i often 'find' myself lost and in the fantasy i see myself found, like never before.

I hate the prose and i love to be poetic
but what do i do? its all too cryptic
i feel like breaking the lines
and hope it all rhymes
who knows when
i will sing it again?!
the night is cold and the silence is
eaten away by the kaw kawing crows
i know not what
the story they ought
singin' out aloud
in company of the dogs on the road!
i wondered why? and i wondered what?
the party outside is all about!
i walk out the door
look through the light, that is so poor
along the lines of wires across street
sat not one, not two crows but the whole lot!
holding tight, the crows on the wire sing the song
the ones in tree, still in the nest sing along.
i wonder what the occasion
for those songs of celebration
deep in the night
while i couldn't sleep tight!
all night long the sun will shine
in a far away place, where i have never been...
in the morning light everything seems different
its 4 in the morning and i bid you goodnight!

- yatisa